It's so hard. . .Lord, Teach me how to raise my kids.

Ask the Lord to help you raise each of your children for Him in a manner that reflects His ways and the truth of His Word. Consider the following principles of parenting, and take note of the ones in which you need to gain maturity.

Use the related Scriptures as springboards for prayer. Ask God to help you eliminate each negative pattern in your parenting and to help you practice the positive patterns more consistently.

• Examine your expectations for your child. Are they realistic? Evaluate them in the light of God’s Word. (See I Corinthians 13:11, Matthew 18:10, and Genesis 33:12–14.)
• Love your child unconditionally. (See Deuteronomy 7:7 and I John 4:10, 19.)
• Look for opportunities to commend your child. Express appreciation for him frequently. (See Philippians 1:3, I Thessalonians 1:2, and II Thessalonians 1:3.)
• Seldom criticize without first expressing appreciation for your child’s good points. (See I Corinthians 1:3–13.)
• Give your child the freedom to make decisions when serious issues are not at stake. Your goal should be to bring him to maturity in Christ, not to dependence on you. (See Ephesians 4:11–16, 6:4, and Proverbs 22:6.)
• Do not compare your child with others. (See Galatians 6:4, I Corinthians 12:4–11, and II Corinthians 10:12–13.)
• Never mock or make fun of your child. Do not demean or belittle your child, and beware of calling him “dumb,” “clumsy,” or “stupid.” (See Proverbs 12:18, 16:24; Matthew 7:12; Ephesians 4:29–30; and Colossians 4:6.)
• Do not scold your child in front of others. (See Matthew 18:15 and I Corinthians 16:14.)
• Never make threats or promises that you do not intend to keep. (See Matthew 5:37, Colossians 3:9, and James 5:12.)
• Don’t be afraid to say “no,” and when you say it, mean it. (See Proverbs 22:15, 29:15, and I Samuel 3:13.)
• When your child has behavioral problems and needs correction, do not overreact or lose control of yourself. Do not yell, shout, or scream at him. (See I Corinthians 16:14, Ephesians 4:26–27, and II Timothy 2:24–25.)
• Communicate optimism and expectancy. Do not communicate by word or action that you have given up on your child or are resigned to his failure. (See I Corinthians 13:4–8, II Corinthians 9:1–2, and Philemon 21.)
• Make sure your child knows exactly what is expected of him. Most of the Book of Proverbs consists of specific counsel from a father to his son.
• Ask your child’s advice; include him in some of the family planning. (See John 6:5, I Timothy 4:12, and II Timothy 4:11.)
• When you have made a mistake with your child, admit it and ask him to forgive you. (See Matthew 5:23–24 and James 5:16.)
• Welcome contributions from your child. (See Proverbs 15:22; James 1:19, 3:13–18; and Titus 1:6–8.) Have family conferences in which you discuss things that affect the family, such as the following areas:
• Family goals
• Family projects
• Vacations
• Devotions
• Chores
• Discipline
• Complaints
• Suggestions
• Problems
• Assess your child’s areas of strength and then encourage him to develop them. Begin with one area and encourage him to really develop in it. (See I Timothy 4:14; II Timothy 1:6, 4:5; and I Peter 4:10.)
• Give your child plenty of tender, loving care. Be free in your expressions of love by word and deed. (See John 13:34; I Corinthians 13:1–8, 16:14; and I Thessalonians 2:7–8.)
• When your child does something well, commend him. Especially let him know when his attitude and effort are what they should be. (See Ephesians 1:15–16, Philippians 1:3–6, Colossians 1:3–4, and I Thessalonians 1:2–10.)
• Be more concerned about God-honoring attitudes and character qualities than you are about performance, athletic skills, clothing, external beauty, or intelligence. (See I Samuel 16:7, Proverbs 4:23, Matthew 23:25–28, Galatians 5:22–23, and I Peter 3:3–5.)
• Have a lot of fun with your child. Plan to have many fun times and to enjoy many special events with your child. Make a list of fun things your family can do together. (See Proverbs 15:13, 17:22; Ecclesiastes 3:4; Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21; and Luke 15:22–24.)
• Help your child to learn responsibility by administering discipline fairly, consistently, lovingly, and promptly. (See I Samuel 3:13 and Proverbs 13:24, 19:18, 22:15.)
• Think of your child as a “human becoming,” as well as a “human being.” Patiently consider that the task of raising children is a process that usually takes eighteen to nineteen years to complete. (See Proverbs 22:6, Isaiah 28:9–10, Ephesians 6:4, Galatians 6:9, and I Corinthians 15:58.)
• Live your convictions consistently. Your child will learn more by observing your example than he will by listening to your words. (See Deuteronomy 6:4–9, I Thessalonians 2:10–12, Philippians 4:9, and II Timothy 1:5–7.)
• Recognize that you are responsible to prepare your child for life in this world and in the world to come. (See Deuteronomy 6:4–9, Psalm 78:5–7, Ephesians 6:4, and II Timothy 3:15–17.)
• Be very sensitive to the needs, feelings, fears, and opinions of your child. (See Matthew 18:10 and Colossians 3:21.)
• Make sure your child knows that he is important to you and accepted by you. (See Matthew 18:5–6.)
• Avoid the use of words that express wrath or exasperation. (See Proverbs 15:1 and Ephesians 4:31–32.)
• Maintain the practices of daily Bible reading, discussions, and prayer. (See Deuteronomy 6:4–9, II Timothy 3:15, Ephesians 6:4, and Psalm 1:1–3, 18:6, 119:9–11.)
• As a family, become thoroughly involved in a Biblical church. (See Ephesians 4:11–16 and Hebrews 10:24–25.)
• Make your home a center of hospitality, a place where your child can be brought into frequent contact with many Christians. (See Romans 12:9–13, Hebrews 13:1–2, and II Kings 4:8–37.)
• Make it easy for your child to approach you with problems, difficulties, and concerns. Learn to be a good listener when he needs you. Give your child your undivided attention. Avoid being a mind reader, an interrupter, or a critic. Show an interest in whatever interests your child. Make yourself available when your child needs you—even when you are busy. (See I Corinthians 9:19–23; Philippians 2:3–4; James 1:19–20, 3:16–18; and I John 3:16–18.)
• Seek to bring your child to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. God is the one who grants salvation, brings conviction of sin, and gives repentance and faith. You, however, can provide an environment in which God saves—by prayer, Godly speech and example, family devotions, and involvement in a sound, Biblical church. (See II Timothy 1:5–7 and 3:14–17.)

                      

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Let's help our children express their feelings by giving them feeling words.

Harvey says asking kids about what they’re feeling and really listening to their responses can be the number one thing parents and caregivers can do to help kids process trauma. “Help children express their feelings by giving them  feeling words," she says. Are they worried, uncomfortable, overwhelmed, lonely? “Also, as you’re listening, try not to say they shouldn’t feel that way. Acknowledge their feelings and say, ‘I understand you feel that way. How do you want to feel about it.




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How to Help Children Find Their Courage Again After Trauma.

                    Don’t let domestic violence steal away their self-confidence

Author Glennon Melton once said she realized at a certain point that she had gotten the job description wrong for parenting. A parent’s role, she says, is not to protect children from fire, but rather to lead them through it and teach them that they’re fireproof.

For survivor parents who have endured domestic abuse, and whose children have been witness to it or a victim of it, the guilt that follows can sometimes feel nearly soul-crushing. Will the kids be all right? Will they ever feel safe again? Will they ever be able to trust someone new?

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After trauma, a parent might find themselves coddling (more on that later, but it’s OK), spoiling (there’s a right way to do so) or helicoptering around their child, determined to protect them from ever feeling fear again. But the truth is, we can’t protect our kids from enduring hardship. Life will consistently challenge them. They will encounter mean people again. They will feel fear.

Our job, as parents, is to do as Melton advises: teach our kids that they’ve got this, and then lead them through. Here are five things to try that can help instill bravery.

1. Reinforce: What Happened Before Was Not Your Fault

To teach kids how to be brave, we must first teach them to understand their fears. And for children of domestic violence, that means explaining to them that what happened at home was not about them.

“It's important to remember that children are very egocentric, meaning they think everything wrong revolves around them or they are responsible for what happened,” says Atlanta-based educator and domestic violence support group leader Barbara Harvey. “So the first thing any parent needs to do is really talk to their children about what happened and how it's not their fault.”

Harvey says that talking openly and honestly is important because shrouding domestic violence in secrecy only hinders the healing process. Here are six ways to explain violence to kids.

2. Love: Extra Attention, Coddling is A-OK

Children can develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after living through or witnessing abuse. Symptoms may include problems with sleep or concentration, not wanting to separate from the parent, or regressing in their behavior (wetting the bed, not wanting to talk, doing poorly in school). However, it’s important to remember that children respond to abuse in many different ways. Even if a child is outwardly doing well, it doesn’t mean he or she isn’t experiencing PTSD from the abuse. These children still need a chance to talk about the impact of witnessing violence. You can start a conversation with something like, "We're safe now, but we had some scary times before. Do you want to talk about it with me?"

Though a trained therapist should diagnose and treat PTSD, a parent or caregiver can supplement with more closeness with the child—hugs, cuddles, reassurances, talking, tucking into bed, or just attentive one-on-one time.

3. Ask: And Then Really Listen

Harvey says asking kids about what they’re feeling and really listening to their responses can be the number one thing parents and caregivers can do to help kids process trauma. “Help children express their feelings by giving them feeling words,” she says. Are they worried, uncomfortable, overwhelmed, lonely? “Also, as you’re listening, try not to say they shouldn’t feel that way. Acknowledge their feelings and say, ‘I understand you feel that way. How do you want to feel about it now?’”

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4. Model: Your Emotions Influence Theirs

The next step in nurturing a confident and brave new outlook on life is to examine how you, the parent or caregiver, deal with challenges. Your response will strongly influence how your child reacts to similar situations.

Bravery doesn’t mean not being afraid. It means you go forward in life even though you are afraid. On that note, you can model this idea in new situations that might be scary. Anxious about talking to a stranger? Show your child it’s not scary to ask a store employee for help finding something, or wish someone on the street “Good morning.” Sign up for a class you and your child can take together, like making a craft or learning how to dance. Show them it can be fun to step outside your comfort zone.

And, instead of helping children avoid challenges, reassure them that they will be OK as you help navigate them through something tough. “I know it’s scary, but you’ve got this,” you might say on their first day of school.

Or, highlight another time they were brave: “I remember when you were afraid to go on that roller coaster, but you did it and then you loved it. Sometimes, things we think are scary at first turn out to be really fun once we get used to them.”

5. Show: Find Examples of Bravery and Courage

This list of 40 children’s books that teach bravery is a good place to start for littles (to save money, see if your public library carries any or can recommend any others). Goodreads.com has a list of young adult novels that talk about courage for your older kids. PBSKids has cartoons available for free including this one with Daniel Tiger that you can watch online with your kiddos and talk about how they demonstrate bravery.

And as you watch movies or TV shows with your child, make sure to point out when a character does something courageous, stands up to his or her fears, or makes the choice not to give up in a daunting situation.

Something To Think About

Are you a parent currently enduring an abusive partner? Children who are routinely exposed to severe stress, such as domestic violence, can face negative long-term effects on the brain. Chaotic, threatening and unpredictable situations that excessively activate a child’s “flight or fight” response can make it difficult for that child to access basic skills like planning, focusing, adjusting and resisting impulsive behaviors, according to findings from a Harvard University study on children’s brain development. In other words, constant stress can deplete the brain of the energy it needs for essential development.

Fortunately, our brains are somewhat elastic. Just as trauma can negatively rewire it, positive changes—like getting the child to a safe environment—and appropriate therapies can rewire it back.

Talk to a trained domestic violence advocate near you today about developing a safety plan for your escape.