Know Your Worth: Understanding Your Value and Finding Love

We’ve all been there — feeling victimized by a friend, a boss or a lover who has treated us poorly or unfairly. It’s an easy and common tendency to blame the other, make yourself out as the innocent one, while seeking out particular people who will reaffirm that pain body within that encourages a “woe is me” mentality. But if you start to look back and analyze a bit, you may realize that the there is one common denominator in each scenario and situation. That common denominator is you.

You allow people to treat you the way they do. Your energy, confidence and attitude is the currency that others will transact with. I know many women who have settled for less, and simply “accepted” cards dealt because deep inside, they don’t believe they deserve more. I’m sure you know of someone who seems to have it all together in their life, but when it come to relationships, they just can’t seem to shake the habit of dating douche bags and douchettes.

In my life, I’ve created my destiny within my career, friendships and community. With friends, I’ve really embraced the fact that friends are all unique pieces of a pie. Some will be lifetime friends that are next to family, some are social friends, some acquaintances. I’ve learned to appreciate the various types and unique forms of value each friend brings, and as well as a system of how much and what kind of energy I invest to whom. I am blessed with the best friends ever, but that inner circle is sacred and thoughtfully selective.

However, in my relationships with men, I’ve witnessed myself apply a different system — if you can even call it a system. I’ve tolerated men who don’t appreciate me, who don’t value my heart, who take and take, who don’t call back, who have disrespected me — I’ve allowed men to not treat me what I’m worth. This is all a matter of self-esteem and my sense of self worth in the realm of being a woman in a romantic relationship. I’ve made excuses, justified and eagerly re-entered the game of push and pull with men who clearly don’t really value me much at all. And you know what, it sucks and feels pretty crappy at the end — chipping away the low self-esteem that got me there in the first place even more.

It took me 28 years of being hungry for love, even desperate for it at times, heart aches, heart tramples, picking up that phone when every cell in your body knows it’s the unhealthy thing to do, obsessing, infatuating, idealizing, you name it, for me to finally wake up and realize that my most important relationship is the one with myself.

I’ve learned to embrace self love. And while I’ll always be a perpetual student in this journey, I’ve made the decision to apply my successful method in dealing with friendships and business to how I do my relationships. I’ve stopped apologizing for who I am and have learned that I am “perfect” the way I am, right now, right here. I will constantly be growing, evolving and working on bad habits, but those flaws, those imperfections are part of the beauty that makes me, me. I can now easily recognize men who are drawn to me only for the best of me, and as Marilyn Monroe best put it, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

If I could talk to my younger self — that girl desperate for love and therefore often blinded by ideas, fabrications and untruths in order to try and capture it, I’d tell her:

“Amy, love will come to you, when you learn to love yourself, first and foremost”.

I can’t go back in time to correct my mistakes, but I can today share what I’ve learned with younger women, some who may have a misconstrued idea that giving their body away carelessly can equal love. In the words of my wise friend Sima Kumar, “Be the gatekeeper.” Your heart is a precious gift. Your body is a temple. Be selective. Respect it and be respected. Love yourself and be loved. It you don’t respect and love yourself first, building a healthy relationship with another is like building a house with no foundation — eventually the cracks and lack of a strong base will eventually cause it to crumble.

Know your value and don’t accept being treated in a way less than you deserve. Now, I don’t mean to start going out there with unrealistic expectations, demands and a sense of entitlement. I am saying that you deserve to be treated the way you treat others, and vice versa. The minute you negotiate your self worth and accept less, you say to the universe that you don’t deserve any better, and the vicious cycle/pattern begins. Change for yourself and of course, friends and partners are great mirror reflections that help you grow. But don’t change out of the wrong reasons to appease someone or in hopes that they will like you more. If they judge you for who you are now, they aren’t your fit. I’ll end off with a quote from “Sex and the City” that is an inspiring reminder:

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

Follow Amy Chan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JustMyTypeMag

5 Fun Facts About Martin Luther King, Jr. we can teach our kids.

Article: By Rachel Slaff.

1. Martin Luther King, Jr. didn’t just become the leader of the civil right movement: He helped to start it.

In response to Rosa Parks’ famous refusal to give up her seat on a bus for a white passenger, King led the black community in Montgomery, Alabama, in the first nonviolent civil rights demonstration in the United States in 1955. Their bus boycott lasted for 382 days (that’s more than a year of finding another way to get to work!), until the United States Supreme Court ruled that laws segregating buses were unconstitutional.

2. In his efforts to fight segregation and inequality, King traveled more than six million miles and spoke more than 2,500 times.

As he noted in his famous “Letter from a Birmingham Jail” (read the full text) King served as president of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, which had more than 80 affiliated organizations throughout the South. Why not just telephone, instead of constantly being on the road? “I cannot sit idly by in Atlanta and not be concerned about what happens in Birmingham,” King wrote. “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”

3. He was a preacher, an orator, a community organizer—and a dad.

Martin Luther King, Jr. and his wife Coretta Scott King had four children: Yolanda Denise, Martin Luther III, Dexter Scott and Bernice Albertine. He gave them a beautiful shout-out in his famous “I Have A Dream” speech: “I have a dream my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”

4. King didn’t just focus on civil rights.

In 1966, he began a campaign against poverty and urban inequality. A follower of Gandhi’s non-violent principles, King also objected to the United States’ participation in the Vietnam War. And it was his support of a sanitation workers’ strike that took him to Memphis, Tennessee, where he was assassinated on April 4, 1968.

5. MLK is the only non-president with a national holiday in his honor.

Since Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is a federal holiday, your kids likely have off from school. Think about volunteering together in MLK’s honor. 

Can a parent provoke her child to anger?

Scripture warns fathers against provoking their children to anger: “Ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
The following list presents ways that a parent commonly provokes his child to anger. Take note of any specific areas of failure in your own life or in your son or daughter’s life. Often the attitudes of children reflect those of their parents; therefore, search your own life in relation to the struggles of your child.



How a parent can provoke a child to anger:

By modeling anger. (See Proverbs 22:24–25.)
By not having marital harmony. (See Genesis 2:24 and Hebrews 12:15.)
By consistently disciplining in anger. (See Psalm 6:1, 38:1.)
By being inconsistent with discipline. (See Ecclesiastes 8:11.)
By having double standards. (See Matthew 23:1–4 and Philippians 4:9.)
By not admitting error. (See Matthew 5:23–26, Job 32:2, and James 5:16.)
By constantly finding fault in others. (See Colossians 3:12–15.)
By reversing God-given roles. (See Ephesians 5:22–25 and Genesis 3:16.)
By not listening to the child’s opinion or the child’s side of the story. (See Proverbs 18:13, 17.)
By comparing the child to others. (See II Corinthians 10:12.)
By not taking time to talk with the child. (See Hebrews 13:16.)
By not praising the child. (See II Corinthians 2:6–8.)
By failing to keep promises. (See Matthew 5:37, Colossians 3:9, and Psalm 15:4.)
By scolding the child in front of others. (See Matthew 18:15 and John 21:15–17.)
By giving too much freedom. (See Proverbs 29:15 and Galatians 4:1–2.)
By being too strict. (See James 3:17.)
By making fun of the child. (See Matthew 18:10.)
By abusing the child physically. (See I Timothy 3:3, Titus 1:7, and Numbers 22.)
By calling names. (See Ephesians 4:29.)
By having unrealistic expectations. (See I Corinthians 13:11.)

      In regard to each failure, repent of your sin and receive the Lord’s forgiveness. (See I John 1:9.) Ask the Lord for grace and power to forsake your sin and to walk in newness of life. Pray that the Lord would limit the damaging effects of your failures on your children, and where you see failures in their lives, pray for conviction and grace for them to change. Open your Bible to each verse and pray out loud the associated Scripture.

                                             

Dads...Want To Leave A Legacy? Affirm Your Children

• Dave Burchett
• Every dad leaves a legacy. The only question is what kind. The first step to leaving a positive legacy is to love your wife. 
•     For some readers that already has not worked out. That does not mean that you cannot leave a good legacy. There are many ways to redeem the father/child relationship. The second part of leaving a legacy that endures is to be an encouragement to your kids. Paul wrote this simple instruction to the church at Colossae. 
• 
  
• 
  
  
• The Message translates this verse  like this….
  
  Parents, don't come down too hard on your children or you'll crush their spirits.
  I cannot remember hearing a lot of teaching on that verse over the years. It is really easy in this success mad culture to discourage your children. Nearly every dad wants his child to be successful. What is wrong with that desire? There is nothing wrong if we balance that desire with love and encouragement and awareness of your child’s unique design. Sometimes we forget the journey we have traveled in our own lives. Frank Clark said that “a father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be." Ouch.
• I came into this whole Dad thing wanting a star athlete or a brilliant scholar. But I had forgotten one little detail. Where did I expect they would dig up those genes to be an All-American quarterback or Rhodes Scholar? I deepened my gene pool considerably when I married Joni but she can only contribute so much.
  What I got were three guys ranging from average to very good athletic ability. Very bright but not genius. What God gave me was three godly men of integrity. Men that are kind and loving. I have been blessed more by their character and wisdom than I could have possibly have been blessed by awards and trophies.
  When Scripture says that God is our Father, it is telling us that emotional needs can be met by Him. This is where our role as Christian dads becomes so important. There are no perfect earthly dads. But it is critical that we understand the impact that we have on our child’s relationship with God. Some may find it hard to get excited about the scriptural descriptions of God as a father because of the imperfect models of fatherhood they have experienced here on earth.
• Some remember a father who was too wrapped up in his job, his buddies, and his hobbies to provide much support or affirmation. He might have been one of those men who believed that their only job was to bring home a paycheck, while Mom was responsible for everything else. Others might recall a dad that was demanding, cold, and unapproachable. Children can tend to transpose their father experience when they think of God as Father.  Harold S. Hubert said that “children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.” That is grace. That helps a child to understand how they can receive God’s love.
  I have talked to many men my age who are still desperate for the approval of their fathers. And I know that is true for women as well. Jim Valvano, the now deceased coach, said "My father gave me the greatest gift that anyone could give another person, he believed in me."
  In the last post I noted that I had asked my sons to critique my performance as a dad…both good and bad. Here is one comment from eldest son Matt.
  The biggest lesson you taught me was to believe in my ability to accomplish things I never thought possible.  From the kid who got C's in 8th grade math to going to graduate school at a great university. I could never have accomplished this without parents, and a father, that believed in me.
• Don't EXPECT your children to be perfect. Don't expect them to meet all of your expectations. Don’t expect them to fulfill all of your goals for them…to be what you want them to be. Be grateful for the unique way God designed your kids. Too many fathers try to live out their own lives through their children. Every child is different. They are not a clone of you (Thank God!).
  My son Scott wrote about something that he wished I had done differently.
  I wish that you would have made more of an effort to understand me and my personality at an earlier age.  I think Mom did a good job at this, but that might have just been because I opened up to her more. 
  This is a great example of how husbands and wives are a team. Joni told me that I needed to spend more time with Scott. She sensed what I did not. She told me that I gravitated to his brother who was more like me. She made me mad, hurt my feelings and made me feel like a bad dad. And thank God she did that. I became intentional about coaching Scott's teams and being with him. It still took a few years for us to really understand one another but I believe Joni's loving intervention saved our relationship. Today our relationship is awesome. Who knows what would have happened if my bride had not challenged me about that shortcoming in my relating to Scott.
• Father’s Day might be a great time to give a gift back to your children. The gift of affirmation. Perhaps the gift of forgiveness.
  Ernest Hemingway wrote a short story called  "The Capital of the World." Hemingway told the story of a father and his teenage son. The son had sinned against his father and in his shame he ran away from home. The father searched all over Spain for him, but still he could not find the boy. Finally, in the city of Madrid, in a last desperate attempt to find his son, the father placed an ad in the daily newspaper. The ad read:
• "PACO MEET AT HOTEL MONTANA NOON TUESDAY ALL IS FORGIVEN PAPA."
  The father prayed that maybe the boy would see the ad and maybe - just maybe - he would come to the Hotel Montana.
  And on Tuesday at noon, the father in Ernest Hemingway's story arrived at the Hotel Montana and he could not believe his eyes. A squadron of police officers had been called out to keep order among the eight hundred young boys named "Paco" who had come to meet their father in front of the Hotel Montana. Eight hundred boys named Paco read the ad in the newspaper and hoped it was for them. Eight hundred "Pacos" came to receive the forgiveness they so desperately needed.
  All children want the approval of their fathers. I am not talking about the ridiculous and disingenuous "you are the best at everything" drivel that some parents spew. Eventually the child will figure out that you are not being authentic. I am talking about affirming what is true about their unique design.
  
  Affirmations like "you are kind."
  "You are creative."
  "You are honest."
• But mainly your child needs to hear this. "You are enough. I love you for who you are." 
  If you have not done so, I encourage you to give the gift of approval this Father’s Day. Give your children the gift of believing in them. Step 2 to leaving a positive legacy as a dad is simple. Encourage your children. Affirm them with grace and honesty. You will be amazed at the power of that simple act.
  Dave Burchett is an Emmy Award winning television sports director, author, and Christian speaker. He is the author of When Bad Christians Happen to Good People and Bring'em Back Alive: A Healing Plan for those Wounded by the Church. You can reply by linking through daveburchett.com.

10 Scriptural Affirmations for Kids

There are certain Biblical truths that your children should grow up knowing with absolute confidence. The world will inundate them with many thoughts and ideas, but if the Word of God is firmly established in their hearts, they will be able to separate the Truth from the lies.

Below are 10 verses I believe that every child should know. These verses promise salvation, a successful future, the Lord’s strength, healing, provision, freedom from fear, a sound mind, long life and more! (Don’t you want your kids to have these things?)

(1)  I am loved by God. – John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

(2)  God has a great plan for my life. – Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

(3)  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. – Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

(4)  I am healed by the stripes of Jesus. – 1 Peter 2:24 Who His own self bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes you were healed.

(5)  God supplies all my needs. – Philippians 4:19 But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

(6)  I have the mind of Christ. – 1 Corinthians 2:16 We have the mind of Christ.

(7)  All things are possible to me because I believe. – Mark 9:23 Jesus said to him, If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.

(8)  Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. – 1 John 4:4 Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.

(9)  God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. – 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

(10)  God satisfies me with long life and shows me His salvation. – Psalm 91:16 With long life will I satisfy him and show him My salvation.

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Teaching Kids Respect & Good Manners

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Seven Things to Pray for Your Children

Article by Jon Bloom

Staff writer, desiringGod.org

Some years back a good friend shared with me seven Scripture texts that he and his wife prayed for their two daughters from the time they were infants. The girls are now grown. And it’s beautiful to see how God has (and still is) answering the faithful, specific prayers of faith-filled parents in the lives of these young, godly women.

I have frequently used these prayers when praying for my children too. And I commend them to you (see below).

But, of course, prayers are not magic spells. It’s not a matter of just saying the right things and our children will be blessed with success.

Some parents earnestly pray and their children become a gifted leaders or scholars or musicians or athletes. Others earnestly pray and their children develop a serious disability or disease or wander through a prodigal wilderness or just struggle more than others socially or academically or athletically. And the truth is, God is answering all these parents’ prayers, but for very different purposes.

That’s why Scriptures like John 9:1–3 are in the Bible. We must not too quickly assess God’s purposes because they can be opposite of our perceptions. God measures success differently than we do, which is why he often answers our prayers in ways we don’t expect.

So pray for your children. Jesus promises us that if we ask, seek, and knock the Father will give us good in return (Luke 11:9-13), even if the good isn't apparent for 40 years. And because Jesus regularly asked those who came to him, “What do you want me to do for you?” (Mark 10:51), we know that he wants us to be specific with our requests.

So, here are seven helpful, specific things to pray for your children:

1. That Jesus will call them and no one will hinder them from coming.

Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people, but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” And he laid his hands on them and went away.(Matthew 19:13–15)

2. That they will respond in faith to Jesus’s faithful, persistent call.

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. (2 Peter 3:9)

3. That they will experience sanctification through the transforming work of the Holy Spirit and will increasingly desire to fulfill the greatest commandments.

And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-39)

4. That they will not be unequally yoked in intimate relationships, especially marriage.

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14)

5. That their thoughts will be pure.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Philippians 4:8)

6. That their hearts will be stirred to give generously to the Lord’s work.

All the men and women, the people of Israel, whose heart moved them to bring anything for the work that the Lord had commanded by Moses to be done brought it as a freewill offering to the Lord. (Exodus 35:29)

7. That when the time is right, they will GO!

And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”(Matthew 28:18-20)

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[Download a print-version of “7 Things to Pray for My Children”]

Recent posts from Jon Bloom:

• Failure Doesn’t Have to Be the Last Word
• Don’t Feel Qualified for Your Calling?
• Your Sin Is No Match for God’s Grace

Jon Bloom (@Bloom_Jon) serves as author, board chair, and co-founder of Desiring God. He is author of three books, Not by Sight, Things Not Seen, and Don’t Follow Your Heart. He and his wife live in the Twin Cities with their five children.